(434): "how do you cook ramen noodles in the microwave?" "the same way you have sex, you get it wet then put it in until it gets soft"

FML: So last night I was having sex with my girlfriend in my truck when i saw a flash. Thought it was lightning...turns out it was the cops!! FML

(716): speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

(813): Nothing says I love you like raw dog

(516): he wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

(212): I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

(813): She was wearing a shirt that said "beat it like a champ" what did you think would happen

(410): So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(857): The medicine says don't chew or crush swallow whole, I should tattoo that on my penis

(605): This guy next to me has a girls name tattooed on his arm crossed out and now another girls name below